Why Ignoring Popular Parenting Tips Might Be Your Best Decision

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Everyone seems to become a parenting expert the second you announce a pregnancy. You’ll get advice from all kinds of people, young or old, whether they have kids or not. Some will offer genuine advice, while others will deliver criticisms. In the beginning, it will be about how they should be dressed, swaddled, and fed, what to do when they have tantrums, and when they go to a playdate. If you thought it would end there... It won't. Once your kids get bigger, not only is there a lot of advice being thrown your way, but people get more judgment too: "I would NEVER have allowed my 14-year-old to do this." or "Your 16-year-old still doesn't take care of his food for school?"

There will always be an endless supply of advice on what you should do as a parent. Some will be good, but a lot will be terrible, especially for your unique family situation. And let's be honest, just because many people say something doesn’t make it accurate. Some of the most popular advice you hear about parenting could be very bad. Consider these common examples:

“Give them what they want. They’re just kids”

It starts small. You’re in the grocery store, and your child starts making a fuss. They want ice cream. You have a “no ice cream before dinner” rule, so you say no. Your child starts to scream. Before long, you hear the voice of a kind old lady say, “Oh, he is just a child. Let him have it.” You feel the stares of people around you and finally give in. After all, hearing your kid scream can be challenging to withstand.The child grows up. And because you have given in so many times because "they are just kids" has turned quickly into a nightmare. Having a 3-year-old have a tantrum is normal... a 13-year-old, not so much. Kids who grow up getting what they want all or most of the time, don't know what to do with their feelings of frustration.

Giiving children whatever they want all the time is a very bad idea. If you give your child an iPad, ice cream, or a video game just because they whine for it (and teenagers can whine really well), you raise entitled children. Your children will feel like they deserve to be given things simply because they want them. Kids like these grow into entitled adults who have difficulty fitting into society.

“Be your kid’s best friend”

Many people think they need to be their child’s friend before being a parent, and not vice versa. This is because many parents fear their children will not like them. They couldn't be more wrong. A child needs boundaries. A child needs to know that there is someone in charge. That is what makes them feel safe. A grown person has no business being the friend of a 3-year-old, a 10-year-old, or even a 16-year-old. There is nothing wrong with having a friendly relationship. But there is a difference between friend and friendly.

There is also a difference between a friend’s role and a parent’s. First of, I don't have to listen to a friend. If I am upset with my friend, I can find a new one. This isn't a dynamic that is found in a parent-child relationship. Also, a friend is willing to overlook minor deficiencies in character, while a parent knows that catching certain behaviors early enough might prevent them from becoming habits. Parents shouldn't ignore behavioral issues (like hitting, talking smack or drinking alcohol), hoping their child will grow out of them. That leads to inconsistent parenting.

It’s a fine line between friendliness and authority. As a parent, you have to set boundaries and stick to them. As your children get older, they will be grateful you enforced the things you did even if, in that moment, they are fuming and think you are "the worst human being to have ever walked the earth."

“Keep them busy”

Some parents have internalized this advice to the point where their children get little rest. They fill their children’s schedules with so many extracurricular activities that they barely have time to breathe. But kids need time to be kids, to just listen to music, do some art, or just lie on their bed and dream.

Many people are afraid of their children being bored or understimulated. But the reality is that boredom is not a bad thing. Our brains need a rest. We are bombarded with information all the time. When we are bored, our brain gets a moment to catch up. Amazing hobbies, creativity, and even inventions can arise from boredom. Never underestimate how powerful a child’s imagination can be. Free up their schedules on some days and see what they get up to. You could be quite pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

“They’re just a kid; let them win”

You are the adult and may be better at a game. Never letting your child win can lead to frustrations. However, in modern times, parents have been told a big lie: Let your kid win. I am not saying that when my kids were little, I never let them win. Of course, I did. But I also won because it is important for kids to learn how to lose. As they grew older, I didn't let them win anymore. Because letting them win if they played badly means getting rewarded for a mediocre performance. This is an unhealthy practice. You are robbing them of one of the essential lessons life has to teach: overcoming failure, learning to deal with shortcomings, and accepting responsibility for losses.

Trust me, you aren’t doing your kid any favors by preventing them from making mistakes or shielding them from the consequences of the ones they do make.

Constantly tell your kids they are intelligent or gifted

From a very early age, some parents do this. They uhhh and ahhh about everything their child does. As children grow older, they grow up thinking they are more intelligent than everyone else and that life will be easy because they are so smart.

Of course, your children aren’t stupid, but they’re also probably not the rare geniuses you told them they were. But here’s the thing. Discipline trumps intelligence in most cases. Being smart doesn’t matter when you don’t have the discipline to work hard or finish what you start. Instead of telling your children they are smarter than everyone else, teach them about the value of hard work and discipline. Just for clarity, I am not telling you not to praise your kid. I believe in praise. A "I am proud of you for XYZ" is what they need to hear. And yes, I tell my kids they are smart and beautiful (inside and out) but I balance it with respectful feedback when they do something that didn't work out in their favour.

Final Thoughts

You’ll hear some good advice as a parent, but there is also a lot of bad advice out there. Your way of parenting may be just what your child needs. Do what works in your house for your kids and ignore the judgment and unsolicited advice because it’ll never stop coming. Raise your kids your way.